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Death was at my door

My near death experience should have killed me from my near death suicide attempt that I didn't expect survive. I should have read up on the statistics, four out of five suicide attempts fail.

In 2003, during a four week period, I lost my job, van and apartment, I spent four days in a county jail for not being able to pay child support. The Norfolk County Jail was filled to capacity; so I was placed in the infirmary on a cold floor and a dark room with a thin matress and a light blanket. I was allowed to make one five minute call a day. It was only time out of this room where I had my first thoughts of suicide. A psychologist once told me that that spending four days in jail in these conditions was enough to make me suicidal.

Tanya, my estranged wife told me she filed for divorce the evening I got out of county jail. The very next day my landlord asked me to move out of my apartment in five days. I was deeply depressed. I saw no way out. There was nobody I could turn to for help and I did not know how to reach out to someone. Life no longer seemed worth living when I attempted suicide three days after I was released from county jail and two days before my eviction.

My near-fatal suicide attempt story began on October 23, 2003 when I overdosed on enough pills to kill an elephant only to survive by a miracle that was God's intervention. Was I brain dead before or after I overdosed on pills? Before I took my overdose of prescription drugs I asked God for forgiveness and help. I knew that committing suicide was not only a sin but it was wrong. I could have been created as a rock or tree but to be born as a human was the greatest gift by God.

I was predestined to have a near death experience from my suicide attempt so I would care about suicide. God knew I would write "Never Surrender your Soul."

Nearly everyone at sometime in their life thinks about suicide. Some of the reasons why I attempted suicide included depression, unemployment, eviction and social pressures. A psychologist once told me that I had enough reasons but not to try it again. After a near-fatal suicide attempt, it is unlikely a person will ever try to attempt suicide again.

Tanya, my estranged wife said that an EMT told her that I had thirty minutes to live without medical intervention when they found me in a coma; a near death experience. Tanya said that she knocked on my apartment door in Quincy, Massachusetts at 8:00PM, then at approximately 8:45PM and finally at 9:30PM before she called 911 on October 23, 2003. Tanya saved my life when she called the Quincy Fire Department; the fire station was less than a mile away. I will heed her call or need for the rest of my life. I am glad we are friends. You never know who your friends are. It could be your wife and you better make her your best friend because she knows you like a book and you are well read by her. Praise be to God that this women saved my life.

I am very blessed to be alive and to be a survivor of many near death experiences.

I awoke from the coma two and a half days later. I should have died from drug overdose as a result of taking all those pills, a mistake for which payment was due immediately. I had foot drop and nerve damage in both feet. When I awoke from my coma was my right foot was twisted from the drugs I had taken in my suicide attempt. I hobbled out of bed realizing that my suicide attempt was a mistake because I was actually glad to be still alive. The treatment following my near-fatal suicide attempt consisted of rehab for foot drop over the next three months. I was homeless for eight months after my release from the hospital. I should not have ignored my depression by not seeking treatment which was my responsibility.

My near death experience from my self induced drug overdose should have killed me and wiped my brain clean like reformatting a hard drive on your computer. My life and brain was spared.

I still had no means of income or family financial support. I spent three months in rehab and the next eight months at a homeless shelter in Cambridge, Massachusetts. That is when I realized that I had not appreciated how much I had before I attempted suicide.

If the Firefighters, EMT's, Doctors and Nurses had not executed their training precisely I may not have made it. I could have died after they found me near death. They all cared about saving my life.

We should take responsibility for the decisions we have made in the past that have bought us to where we are in life. Find a way to live even if you did not get the proper guidance from your parents because you are the only one who is responsible for your own life and the decisions you make. Forget about whom you were; accept who you are, and who you can be.

I have no doubt there is a God and that God loves and cares about all of us.

Gain a pearl of wisdom by clicking on each title. The pearl will be on the top of each page. I hope that you too will find wisdom in these pearls that have washed ashore as a result of my hurricanes and count yourself a survivor.


"When we change our perception we gain control. The stress becomes a challenge, not a threat. When we commit to action, to actually doing something rather than feeling trapped by events, the stress in our life becomes manageable." - Greg Anderson


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